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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

CAAFI (Create An Acronym For It)

When I'm in charge, and I expect that to be soon, I won't have a lot of time for people to tell me what I want to know. So, I'll be implementing my own communication standard to make the transfer of information more efficient and fun. Now, I don't ever expect to be in charge of anyone with an IQ of over, say, 70, so this isn't a very rigorous system. To put it simply, when using CAAFI (pronounced the way a Bostonian would say "coffee"), the speaker condenses every phrase he wishes to use into an acronym.

For instance, "Hey boss, love your new tie and would you like some gum?" should now be expressed as, "LNT--G?" and then hold out the gum. Probably you should also gesture to the tie when you're complimenting it.

I'm the only one who can speak in actual words, though I shall do so sparingly. I'll have a master list (ML) of accepted acronyms, and I'll refer to it on my palm pilot thingy (PPT). All accepted acronyms will be on the ML. The ML should have about ten thousand acronyms on it. If you've got a new acronym, such as, "I know this is an unusual request, but I seem to have just been attacked by one of those prehistoric raptor animals I recognize from several recent movies--may I visit the free clinic on my lunch break and would you care for some gum?" That's gonna be "(R)aptor (A)ttack, (M)edical (A)ttention (N)eeded--(G)um?"

When you come up with a new acronym, I tap my walking stick on the ground and then throw it up briskly. I'll catch it on the way down, and then pointing it into the distance, I'll gaze towards the horizon with furrowed brow. If gum has been offered (incidentally, gum is in nearly 7,000 of the accepted acronyms on the ML) then I'll chew thoughtfully. "UML" (update the master list), I'll say. And then you need to go to the computer where the master list is kept, and you need to manually enter in your new acronym. There's no prize for creating a new acronym. It's not an inconvenience to the company, but it's not really something to be proud of either. If you can't go about your business successfully with the existing ten thousand acronyms already on the ML, then maybe you should think about working for someone else. Someone who communicates in 10 code, for instance (10-4, 10-2, 10-9er, etc.). I find 10 code to be a lot more complicated myself, but you may not be ready for the streamlined, future-feel of CAAFI, and for that I can only pity you. Pity, and fire you.

So if you're going to make a new acronym, and you have the unusual habit of being attacked by vicious prehistoric predators, you need to enter your new acronym into the big computer (BC). Then you have to figure out the way to update my PPT. I think you should probably be able to update it wirelessly, so I'm not going to hand over my PPT for you to screw around with. You need to figure out how to do it remotely, and there's no way I can tell you how.

Once you've got the ML updated on the BC, and my PPT, you need to catch up on your regular work. All that is no excuse for getting behind on downloading your reports, comparing graphs, and following me as I walk around the office shouting acronyms. If you can't deal with the moderate demands that CAAFI asks of you, maybe you shouldn't be in the business world. This is a real corporation (we make unicycles for tightrope-performing bears), not one of those lax organizations that communicates long-form. Sure, most of our executives are illiterate, drooling retards, and can be found slumped over their desks most afternoons listening to The Smiths on their iPod thingys, their hands stained orange with Chee-tos sludge, but they GSD (get shit done).

So, are you ready to be my employee? The pay is good, the Chee-tos are free, and the interview is conducted by heavily medicated bears on unicycles. C'mon chief, let's GSD!

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