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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

CAAFI (Create An Acronym For It)

When I'm in charge, and I expect that to be soon, I won't have a lot of time for people to tell me what I want to know. So, I'll be implementing my own communication standard to make the transfer of information more efficient and fun. Now, I don't ever expect to be in charge of anyone with an IQ of over, say, 70, so this isn't a very rigorous system. To put it simply, when using CAAFI (pronounced the way a Bostonian would say "coffee"), the speaker condenses every phrase he wishes to use into an acronym.

For instance, "Hey boss, love your new tie and would you like some gum?" should now be expressed as, "LNT--G?" and then hold out the gum. Probably you should also gesture to the tie when you're complimenting it.

I'm the only one who can speak in actual words, though I shall do so sparingly. I'll have a master list (ML) of accepted acronyms, and I'll refer to it on my palm pilot thingy (PPT). All accepted acronyms will be on the ML. The ML should have about ten thousand acronyms on it. If you've got a new acronym, such as, "I know this is an unusual request, but I seem to have just been attacked by one of those prehistoric raptor animals I recognize from several recent movies--may I visit the free clinic on my lunch break and would you care for some gum?" That's gonna be "(R)aptor (A)ttack, (M)edical (A)ttention (N)eeded--(G)um?"

When you come up with a new acronym, I tap my walking stick on the ground and then throw it up briskly. I'll catch it on the way down, and then pointing it into the distance, I'll gaze towards the horizon with furrowed brow. If gum has been offered (incidentally, gum is in nearly 7,000 of the accepted acronyms on the ML) then I'll chew thoughtfully. "UML" (update the master list), I'll say. And then you need to go to the computer where the master list is kept, and you need to manually enter in your new acronym. There's no prize for creating a new acronym. It's not an inconvenience to the company, but it's not really something to be proud of either. If you can't go about your business successfully with the existing ten thousand acronyms already on the ML, then maybe you should think about working for someone else. Someone who communicates in 10 code, for instance (10-4, 10-2, 10-9er, etc.). I find 10 code to be a lot more complicated myself, but you may not be ready for the streamlined, future-feel of CAAFI, and for that I can only pity you. Pity, and fire you.

So if you're going to make a new acronym, and you have the unusual habit of being attacked by vicious prehistoric predators, you need to enter your new acronym into the big computer (BC). Then you have to figure out the way to update my PPT. I think you should probably be able to update it wirelessly, so I'm not going to hand over my PPT for you to screw around with. You need to figure out how to do it remotely, and there's no way I can tell you how.

Once you've got the ML updated on the BC, and my PPT, you need to catch up on your regular work. All that is no excuse for getting behind on downloading your reports, comparing graphs, and following me as I walk around the office shouting acronyms. If you can't deal with the moderate demands that CAAFI asks of you, maybe you shouldn't be in the business world. This is a real corporation (we make unicycles for tightrope-performing bears), not one of those lax organizations that communicates long-form. Sure, most of our executives are illiterate, drooling retards, and can be found slumped over their desks most afternoons listening to The Smiths on their iPod thingys, their hands stained orange with Chee-tos sludge, but they GSD (get shit done).

So, are you ready to be my employee? The pay is good, the Chee-tos are free, and the interview is conducted by heavily medicated bears on unicycles. C'mon chief, let's GSD!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Man Waiting For It To Stop

You get home, you sit down. It's five am. It is not enough, it is simply not. You dig deep, just to keep your head clear. If you stay focused, if you have patience, it will stop. You find yourself churning inside again. It is good and it is bad. The fact that you can finally sink this low, to feel so hopeless, means that you have finally hit bottom. At bottom there is closure. You have zeroed out. That's good, because now you're working for something real, something tangible. But its bad, because the future is full of very hard work.

You feel it coming, slowly, very faintly. You know that it is not enough. There's more... so much more work to do. It gets to the point sometimes where you think, though you know its not true, that it will never be enough. You find yourself thinking again that nothing is enough. It's not true. It's coming. It's coming.

But sometimes late at night or early in the morning, you can feel it churning inside you. It's so slow to come. You wonder if it will ever be enough. You allow yourself to believe that nothing's enough.

Nothing is enough.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Who is this cat speaking to?


Find out the answer to this question and more at the new location for all your rowdy squid and unicorn needs.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

If You'd Like to Make a Call... If You Need Help....

Hanging on the Telephone
It would be great if everyone could have an automated phone system, beyond the paltry voice mail services we're offered now. I mean, when I get a call, I want my valuable time to be guarded tightly by some kind of voice-recognition robot that can root out and take care of the more routine calls that I get on a daily basis. Now look, I'm not saying that if it's an emergency I'm not gonna go ahead and give you some personal service--there will always be a secret code you can punch in that will enable you to talk to me. But for the most part, you're going to be going through the automated process of catching up with me.

For instance, when you call you'll immediately be greeted by a warm and friendly female voice that will say something like,

Hi, you've reached Baller, he's very happy to hear from you. Dial 'one' to continue in English. Para Espanol, pujo numero 'dos'.

To find out about the weather conditions where Baller is, press one. To find out how Baller's parents are, press two.

"You know, Dad's been keeping busy with golf and puttering around the house. Mom's good, she's got her things. Of course they're not as spry as they used to be, but they're getting by okay.

To ask about Baller's current relationship, press three.

"Oh her? Well you know, I still see her around sometimes. Yeah, I guess we'll just have to take our time and see how it turns out.

To have Baller ask you a question about your life, press four.

"So, what's going on with you?

"Uh-huh.

"Yeah

"No kidding?

"Well, good for you.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

"Well, hey, that's life, right?

"Ha ha! I hear that!

To inquire about Baller's plans for the weekend, press five.

"This weekend? Phhhh.... hmm-mmm-um...just gonna play it by ear, see what comes up. You?

"Uh-huh

"Yeah

"Ha ha! I hear that!

To find out what's happening at work, press six.

"You know, same old bullshit. Just counting the days....

To ask about the state of Baller's novel, press seven.

"Oh yeah, I've got a lot of notes... a lot of notes. So I'm making progress.

To ask about the state of your relationship with Baller press eight.

"Look, um... its not you, its me.

"Hey, c'mon... I'm really sorry.

"Ha ha! I hear that!